dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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