hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
