i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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