Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
