okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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