Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
