God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
