I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
