So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
