So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
