You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
