I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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