just tell him i said nine months
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
