That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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