Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
