I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
