Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
