She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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