I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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