I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
