I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
