That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
