I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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