My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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