while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I touched a dick in church today
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
