So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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