You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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