i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
it's like iHOP with fire
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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