kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
