I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Sober January is a disaster.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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