My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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