So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
false alarm. still invincible.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
