just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
