dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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