I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
