So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
