As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
