So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
