No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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