I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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