Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
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