these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
