i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
