You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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