I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
