He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
