My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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