why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
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I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
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Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?