I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.