Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
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Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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