If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
23 Annoying things Girls Do When They’re Trying To Be Cute
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF