found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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