Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
