I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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