sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
