Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
