Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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