dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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