I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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