sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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