We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
