dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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