Well douche your snatch and let's go!
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
